I don’t know how much you have been able to keep up to date with. But on the 25th January I was taken back to hospital. My sight had almost completely gone and I had incredible pain in my head and neck again. Again I have not been an easy person to treat and I have stumped everyone a bit. However, yesterday afternoon after another lumbar puncture and having my expander implant removed, so that I could have a brain and spine MRI, we were told the news that the cancer had spread to my spinal fluid and my brain. This means that there is no hope of a cure now and that at best I have weeks left. But in my heart I believe it is days by the way that I feel. At the moment I really can’t see and I don’t think its going to come back. All I can see is dark and light outlines. I can’t see peoples faces and i really can’t see colours. The other day I had a number of fits, I now cannot walk,I have to use a catheter because I cannot control my body any more. I have lost the use of my face, could not talk, eat, kiss or smile. But I can eat a little bit now but I struggle to chew. Since I came into hospital I have managed to sit in a chair for half a day, but apart from that I have been a vegetable in bed being washed by nurses and fed by my family. So considering that days ago I was buying myself a treadmill to complete my run for McMillan, things have deteriated quickly. So where do we go from here?
What is next? I can have two weeks of radiotherapy to try to help ease my symptoms and pain, but this will not cure me, it will buy me a week or two if that. Knowing this will have not have a real effect on the length of my life and not believing that the time I have left is as generous as the doctors think. I feel I really want to get home as soon as possible so that I can get to a hospice to spend time with the people I care about to say my goodbyes. I won’t be able to go home because I can’t do anything for my self now. There is no point texting me or ringing me, the only way I can be contacted is via my public wall on Facebook. I no longer have access to phone or facebook but my family can read messages off my wall to me!
When we have sorted out care at a hospice and moved down from Nottingham, I will get someone to post another message on here for me.I really hope this to be as soon as possible in the next few days.
I am really sorry to have to tell you all like this, but I don’t want to miss anyone out and I want everyone to have the same facts.
I feel calm and at peace. I feel the happiest and most loved that I have felt before. I want to thank everyone who has touched my life! I hope some of you will remember some of the things I have tried to help you with. Some of my opinions and pieces of advice I have tried to give you, things I have said though they sometimes might seem a bit harsh are because I love you and want you to be happy.
If you can take one thing from me, I would like you to try to love those around you,to be good to other people because it will come back to you. And to believe in the lord if you feel you can because he has given me this calm and this peace in the face of what should be but doesn’t feel like one of life’s worst event. If I have upset anyone now or in previous years I want to say I am sorry. All I want is for everyone I know to be happy!
I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH XXX